If you have consistently read my blog (this is my 47th entry), you should have a good understanding of my personality. It's hard to put into perspective how I gauge my emotions every day. Nothing causes more stress and desperation than hearing someone I love, worried. I automatically speed through my mind how I could be responsible. I react that way because it breaks my heart to see a loved one hurting. 

NOTHING SPECIAL

I am under no exaggeration as to what my value is overall in society.  

Surviving cancer has created such a thorn in my side. I am grateful for surviving because of all the others that have suffered and died from this disease. However, I also find myself humiliated because of the ways it affected my body and took away so many things I loved. 

I can understand why those who lost someone to this disease would be offended by that. I don't feel that way all the time, but when I'm unable to walk because of the severe pain I deal with, or I can't leave my house due to Crohn's, I break down a little.

I am extremely tough on myself. I try to hold myself to a standard (I can hear the laughter of those who would disagree from here). For the majority of my life, I have tried to represent Christ with my actions, words, and behavior (that I know others are laughing at). It's hard to explain how much my relationship with Jesus means to me. I could not live without it. I know what touches my heart because God distinctly created specific characteristics that bring out tears, joy, sorrow, sincerity, and especially hope.

I am an empathetic person. I try my best to put myself in someone else shoes when they are experiencing something. I do my best no to judge others because I know how much I hate when others judge me.

HONEST EVALUATION MIGHT NOT BE POSITIVE

I think we all come to a point in life where we want to make a difference with the talents given to us. I'm certainly not unique when I say I have failed to accomplish those things. I'm trying, but lately, I look around and see the reality of what I have become. That scares me to death. 

What if I never achieve? What if I let everyone down who chose to believe in me? I look up and see zero followers on Patreon. I've had to chase people down who said they would get back to me. I've thoroughly embarrassed myself, reaching out to people asking for speaking opportunities. My book was a total failure (only 23 copies sold).

Former NFL Coach Bill Parcells says, "You are what your record says you are." Well, if that's the case, then the results are apparent. I want everyone to understand that I'm the last thing that someone would call a success. I have to prove myself every day as well.

JOHN WOODEN SPEAKS THE TRUTH

Former UCLA Head Coach John Wooden used to tell his players, "Never mistake activity for achievement." When you reach my age, you should have certain things that you earned. Everything I had, I was given. I don't feel like I can call myself anything other than a burden until the results say something different.

While I'm currently laying the groundwork to be self-supporting, I have experienced countless potholes. I find myself needing motivation most mornings to get out of bed. Some days my legs are so swollen I am unable to put on pants. Other days I can't go 10 feet without having to circle back because of stomach issues. The battle is exhausting at times.

WHY AM I SAYING THESE THINGS?

I can't expect those who read this blog to support someone who is phony. I despise artificial people and those who purposely deceive others. If I can't be honest with my failures and in my desire to be better, then how can I be trusted? My heart is pure, but it's broken. It's broken because I see others around me who need me to be better and achieve success. 

I would appreciate those who pray to please say a prayer for me this week. Someone close to me is also facing a situation that is causing an enormous amount of stress. 

BEING AN EXAMPLE

One thing I don't want to ever be is fake. I owe honesty, integrity, and sincerity to all who cross my path. I want everyone to know that it's OK if you don't feel like conquering the world every day. It's OK if you suffer from depression, loneliness, feeling left out, confused, or like you don't fit in. Do the best you can and don't be afraid to reach out to others who you trust. 

MARK BACK ON SPORTS RADIO 

I now do a sports radio show every Monday and Thursday from 8-11 AM EST. You can find all our shows, live and via podcast, here. 

WHERE TO FIND ME

I can always be reached by email (CKMagicSports@gmail or LivingAsACancerSurvivor@gmail). Please see the links below to follow me or contact me on social sites. I welcome (need) more followers and supporters. Please don't be shy about sharing your thoughts.  

NEED SUPPORT? 

Please reach out to me or anyone in the beautiful support groups on Facebook, Reddit, Tumblr, or other social sites.