LACS - The Father That Never Was

Mark survived Stage IV Rhabdomyosarcoma and is a survivor of 29 years.

I wrote this post on July 22, 2019, the first birthday of which I no longer could call my dad to wish him a Happy Birthday. The previous Fathers' Day (2018) was the last time I spoke to my earthy father. I took for granted there would be another conversation, and I still live with awful regret knowing I missed many chances to talk to him.

Today was the first Fathers' Day I have lived through without my father being here to call or spend the day with to show love and appreciation for being my dad. 

The last time I spoke to my father was June 17, 2018, which was Fathers' day last year. I have many mixed feelings as I sit here and write this. While the previous few years of his life were spent estranged from his family, I knew my dad loved me very much. He never had an issue telling or showing me that he loved me. He was very generous to me financially. Despite suffering mental meltdowns after I asked his assistance during each financial crisis', he always helped.

However, there was another side of my dad’s behavior towards my sisters, brother, and mother. My dad also changed a lot toward me after I had cancer. He was more kind and made excuses for me because of my sickness, but that didn’t stop me from seeing the inconsistencies in his behavior toward my siblings and mother. 

During my sickness, he disowned my sister when she became pregnant outside of wedlock. However, he continued to show up at the hospital. I told him if he couldn’t be a father to my sister, then I didn’t want him being one to me, but that didn’t stop him from coming. Seeing these inconsistencies challenged my understanding of who my father was. I eventually had to accept him as he was which allowed us to share many happy moments until dementia started to kick in. 

Cancer treatment took the ability to have children away from me at age 17. Radiation permanently destroyed certain things that I hoped they wouldn't. Being 17, I did not have a choice in whether or not I wanted radiation. I was very hesitant and didn't want to go through it. The potential for long term side effects was always more apparent to me from radiation than chemotherapy.

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Despite my objections, my doctors were 100 percent certain unless I stayed on the protocol they designed to eliminate Rhabdomyosarcoma from my body AND prevent it from returning, I had to complete every scheduled radiation treatment.

When I got married, my wife wanted kids. Even though I held onto the hope that I could have children before and during treatment, my attitude always was that if God wanted us to have kids, it would naturally happen. 

The final result wound up devastating her and is something that I handled very poorly. As my life went on, I didn't want to be a dad because of the number of health issues I dealt with daily. I was selfish and deceitful in so many areas, and that is a hard thing to live with some days. 

Despite never asking for the permanent issues I suffered from, you must communicate your thoughts. Don't allow any possibility for misunderstandings. Even though my attitude toward parenthood changed, I only thought of myself as I experienced the side effects of Crohn's disease and Lymphedema. 

In many ways, I am oversimplifying a very complex issue, but the details are way too involved. The bottom line is I allowed my side effects to avoid significant problems that needed attention. It's not easy to live with regrets, so I offer my experience to others as an example. Don't allow your pain to affect someone else's dream. You can't give someone back years of their life. 

For the others that are married and one of you can't have kids, that is hard to deal with. Resentment, anger, betrayal, are all feelings that the other feel when they are denied a child due to their partners’ shortcomings. While that might seem harsh to put on someone, they are still are allowed to express feelings of pain and mourning. In most cases, the couple grows closer, but only if both are serving each other in love.

While it's not easy for me to live with the damage I see and deal with every day, others should not have to suffer because I did. However, that does not make you any less of a person. It does not diminish your worth. For many years I thought it did, and that is how I handled things. When you do that, you disrespect yourself, your partner, and the God that made you. 

If you hurt someone badly due to your pain and didn't realize the value you still had, ask for forgiveness, and move on. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions, however, and although that price often comes with guilt and shame, God still loves us. When we repent, we are given full forgiveness of our sins because of the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Just because I know this does not mean I practice it. Many days I still suffer from intense feelings of guilt and shame.

My heart goes out to all the fathers that cancer took away or never was because of this disease. On a personal note, I miss my dad very much. He was not perfect, but I am thankful God gave me a father who I know loved me. 

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